It’s a birthday present to you, Tumblr.

What? It’s my birthday, so I’m giving YOU presents? What am I, a hobbit?

…well, I’m rather short, and I do like eating and going barefoot…

Anyway, it’s some femslash. There isn’t enough of it in the world, so I wrote some. Probably horribly, I’ve never written it before, and I’m not really sure of the mechanics, but I tried. Gold star for me.

A new fanfic, dedicated to everyone who sticks up their middle finger to widely-accepted fanon.

Featuring the Sailor Quartet, grown-up Chibiusa, maybe a smattering of Helios, and a whole lot of 30th Century Tokyo shenanigans.

That moment when you stop and think “Seriously, do I have to write my own porn of this? IT EXISTS NOWHERE?”

Internet, stop failing me.

I posted a new chapter.

Tony doesn’t like to be handed things + the birth of his daughters

So you know that movie about the vagina with teeth in it?

Yeah, turns out that that’s not impossible. And not even by the “folklore about vagina dentata” standards.

You know how some people write fanfics and “ZOMG AND HIS PENIS WAS ENORMOUS LIKE A FOOT LONG YEAH” and don’t do research about how long the vagina actually is… I mean, on average there’s only about four inches of vagina to penetrate.

So, the foot-long penis had better belong to someone who gets their rocks off by head stimulation, cuz not a whole lot after is going to get pleasured.

What this comes back to, the movie with the teeth, if a penis is long enough and actually like… penetrates into the uterus? (something that doesn’t usually happen, but it’s been known to)

Yeah, the cervix can actually cut off the head of the penis.

The cervix can literally bite off the head of the penis, because it’s a foreign object and it’s not supposed to be in the uterus. And it’s a pretty powerful muscle. I mean, it has to keep an entire human person inside of a grapefruit, and then shove that human person out of a body.

SO THERE YOU GO, TEETH HAS VALIDITY. KIND OF.

editingatwork:

I love it when fanfic warnings pop up: “This work contains adult content!” Well, I hope so.

“Been a while since I’ve had a mate along. Fancy a trip?”

“Gosh. That’s kind of you, Doctor, but I’m really quite happy where I am,” Arthur said, wringing his hands a little. He hated to disappoint.

“Well, that’s not a problem. I can bring you back in two minutes, no one the wiser. Well, I say two minutes. For them,” he nodded towards the portacabin. “For you…”

Arthur glanced over his shoulder. He could see Carolyn’s shadow moving behind the closed curtains—probably shouting at Martin and Douglas again. They’d really overdone it this time on the trip back from Fez, but he thought the incident with the cheese tray had been quite funny. “Well…”

“One trip. If you don’t like it, you’ll be back here at… five-sixteen precisely.”

Arthur looked back at the strange man in the bow tie. “And I can’t tell anyone where I’ve been? They’ll know I’m lying, I’m rubbish at lying.”

“Nonsense. Tell whoever you like, if you think they’ll believe you.”

He glanced over his shoulder again. A trip. He loved trips… and anywhere… His eyes lit up. “Can we see the northern lights from space?”

The Doctor grinned. “Arthur Shappey, I can do you one better.”

He flung the doors to the police box open. Arthur wondered how cramped it was going to be—even G-ERTI was bigger, and she was quite a small plane, and followed the strange man inside… “Brilliant.”